I pay attention to the pattern
The subject of an argument can change while the emotional sequence underneath stays familiar. We can slow that sequence down and understand what each of you may be responding to.
Couples Therapy and Relationship Therapy
How I work in couples therapy
For couples who feel stuck, distant, hurt or unsure what to do.
Couples therapy gives you both somewhere to slow things down, understand what keeps happening between you and make room for conversations that may have become difficult to have on your own.
What therapy with me is like
Both of you, and what happens between you
I listen carefully to each of you while also paying attention to the pattern that develops between you. I may slow a conversation down, ask a question or notice when something important becomes difficult to say.
The aim is not to decide who is right. It is to understand what keeps pulling you back into the same place and what might allow something different to happen.
How I work
What happens between you matters too
I hold both of your experiences in mind while also looking at what happens between you in the room and in everyday life.
I am engaged, not completely silent
I give things room, but I may interrupt a familiar cycle, return to something important or ask what is happening in the moment when one of you becomes quiet, angry or distant.
Both of you need room
I do not assume the person who made the enquiry is right. I try to make space for both experiences while remaining able to name harmful behaviour or an imbalance that needs careful attention.
Relational Resonance
When it becomes harder to feel in tune with each other
I think of Relational Resonance as the sense that you can feel and respond to one another. You feel seen, understood and able to find your way back after difficult moments. When that connection weakens, couples can start to miss each other even when both are trying.
In therapy, we slow down what happens between you and notice where connection gets lost. We make sense of the feelings, needs and ways of protecting yourselves underneath, so there is more room to understand one another and respond differently.
How can I help?
What may be happening between you
Your experience may not fit neatly under one heading. These pages are starting points for some of the difficulties couples bring to therapy.
After an affair or loss of trust
The same questions may keep returning after discovery, alongside hurt, secrecy and uncertainty about whether trust can be rebuilt.
Parenthood has changed the relationship
Exhaustion, changed roles and reduced intimacy can leave you wondering where the couple has gone.
Sex and intimacy have become difficult
You may feel rejected, pressured or wary of beginning another conversation that seems to end in the same place.
The same argument keeps returning
The subject changes, but the same hurt, anger or silence returns and you both leave feeling misunderstood.
You feel more like housemates
Daily life continues, but warmth, affection and the feeling of being a couple have become harder to reach.
The life around the relationship
What happens between you does not happen in isolation
Race, culture, faith, sexuality, neurodiversity, family expectations, work and the shape of your relationship can all affect how each of you experiences closeness, conflict and being understood.
Mixed race and cross cultural relationships
Race, culture, faith, family and belonging can mean each of you carries a different experience of the same moment.
Relationships under the pressure of London life
Work, commuting, housing, money and parenthood can take up so much space that there is very little left for the two of you.
Ethical non monogamy and open relationships
Agreements, jealousy, new relationships and different needs for freedom or reassurance can change what happens between you.
LGBTQ+ couples
Family, visibility, identity, sex and parenthood may enter the relationship in particular ways, while other difficulties may have little to do with being LGBTQ+.
Neurodiverse couples
Autism, ADHD and different ways of processing can shape communication, attention, sensory needs, intimacy and daily life without either person becoming the problem.
When you are unsure what happens next
Therapy can begin before you know the answer
You may disagree about coming, feel unsure whether therapy can help, or not know whether staying together is what you both want.
Should we stay together or separate?
Therapy can hold the uncertainty without deciding the future of the relationship for you.
What if my partner does not want therapy?
One of you may be ready to seek help while the other feels doubtful, exposed or worried that therapy will become a place of blame.
Does couples therapy work?
An honest look at what therapy may help to change, what it cannot promise and the different forms a helpful outcome can take.
Specialist couples work
Training centred on relationships
My training has centred on relationships. I trained at Tavistock Relationships, a specialist centre for couple relationships, where I also work as a visiting clinician. I pay attention to both the relationship in front of me and the experiences each person brings into it.
I also make room for race, culture, masculinity, gender, sexuality, faith, class, neurodiversity and family expectations without assuming what those experiences mean for either of you.
Training
Tavistock Relationships
Registration
BACP registered member (MBACP)
How I work
Understanding patterns and relationships
Professional network
BAATN member
How change happens
Why understanding a pattern is not always enough
You can understand exactly what happens between you and still find yourselves pulled back into the same response. Change often involves noticing the pattern as it is happening and having the chance to respond differently, not only understanding it afterwards.
Ready to begin?
Request an initial consultation for relationship therapy in Enfield, North London or online across the UK.
Request an Initial ConsultationHave a practical question?
If you want to ask about availability, location or how I work before booking, you are welcome to message me.
Ask on WhatsApp → 07356 204020WhatsApp is best for practical questions rather than confidential or urgent support.
bacp
BACP registered member (MBACP)
Professional registration
BAATN
BAATN member
Black, African and Asian Therapy Network
ico.
ICO registered
Data protection registration