A one-to-one therapeutic space for men
Counselling for Men in Enfield and Online
Competence, action and control may have become the safest ways to manage vulnerability.
Somebody asks how you are and you say you are fine. It is not exactly a lie. You are still working, taking care of responsibilities and getting through the day.
You may not have the words for what is wrong, or believe that speaking about it would change anything. Instead, you keep moving.
You do not need to know how to open up before beginning.
You may have a particular problem you want to work on, or only a sense that something is no longer working. Both are enough to begin.
Therapy can be purposeful without offering a quick solution
Some men are more familiar with being coached through sport, work or other parts of life than with entering therapy.
Therapy is different from coaching, but it can also be purposeful and collaborative. We can begin with what is not working, understand what keeps happening and think about what you would like to change.
There may be practical changes along the way. There may also be feelings, relationships or experiences that cannot be solved through a strategy alone.
You do not need a detailed emotional vocabulary. We can start with the situation that brought you here, what other people have noticed or the way you have begun feeling less like yourself.
Therapy does not have to be vague.
It can have direction without becoming another performance to get right.
When strength becomes silence
Being dependable may be an important part of how you understand yourself. You solve problems, remain calm and try not to burden other people with what you are carrying.
These qualities can be valuable. They may also make it difficult to recognise when strength has become the inability to receive help.
Perhaps vulnerability was treated as weakness when you were growing up. You learned that fear should be hidden, sadness managed privately and need replaced with action.
Nobody may have stated this directly. You noticed which feelings were respected and which made other people uncomfortable.
Over time, silence can become less like a choice and more like the only way you know to remain in control.
When anger is easier to recognise than hurt
Anger can create distance, energy and a temporary sense of control. You may become impatient, defensive or unusually affected by small frustrations.
A question feels like criticism. A request sounds like another demand. Concern from somebody close to you can feel intrusive rather than caring.
Underneath the anger there may be disappointment, humiliation, fear or the sense that you are failing people who depend on you.
This does not excuse aggression, intimidation or harmful behaviour. Those actions need to be taken seriously.
Understanding what happens before anger takes over can help you recognise the feeling earlier and respond without either exploding or shutting everything down.
These experiences are not unique to men
Expectations around masculinity can affect which feelings seem acceptable, how distress is expressed and what kind of help feels possible.
The work is not based on the idea that all men struggle in the same way. It begins with how these expectations have shaped you.
When usefulness becomes the measure of your worth
You may feel most secure when you are useful. Providing, protecting, working and solving problems give you a clear role.
Work can also offer structure, recognition and a visible measure of competence. When it is going well, it may support a stable sense of identity. When it becomes difficult, the impact can feel much larger than the role itself.
Redundancy, burnout, financial pressure or uncertainty about your career may leave you feeling that you are failing as a partner, father or man, even when nobody has said this.
Depending on somebody else can feel more exposing than being the one they depend upon. Other people may rely on you while knowing very little about what you are carrying.
You may then feel unappreciated or alone, while they experience you as somebody who does not let them close.
Being independent can be a strength. It becomes painful when there is no safe way to depend on anybody at all.
Closeness, relationships and feeling exposed
A partner may say that you are distant, emotionally unavailable or difficult to reach. You may experience their attempts to talk as pressure.
The more urgently they ask what is happening, the more you want space. Your silence increases their fear, and their pursuit makes you withdraw further.
You may care deeply while struggling to show it in the way another person needs. Perhaps you demonstrate love through loyalty, practical responsibility or providing. It can feel painful when these forms of care are overlooked because you cannot offer emotional reassurance in the moment.
Sex can also become a place where confidence, vulnerability and shame meet. Changes in desire, erection or sexual confidence may lead you to avoid intimacy rather than risk feeling exposed or inadequate.
Sexual difficulty can involve physical, emotional and relational factors. Medical advice may be important, particularly when there has been a sudden change.
Therapy can help you think about what closeness asks of you and what happens inside before you become cold, silent, defensive or unavailable.
Fatherhood and the man you want to be
Becoming a father, partner or carer can bring questions about the men you experienced growing up and the man you want to be now.
You may feel enormous love alongside pressure to provide, protect and know what to do. There may be little room to admit that you feel frightened, overwhelmed or excluded.
If your own father was absent, critical, frightening or emotionally distant, you may be determined to do things differently while worrying that you will repeat what you experienced.
A child’s dependence can also bring you closer to your own need. Their vulnerability may awaken tenderness, irritation, fear or grief that is difficult to explain.
Therapy can offer somewhere to think about the father or partner you want to be without expecting you to feel certain all the time.
Race, culture and the meanings of masculinity
There is no single experience of being a man. Race, culture, class, sexuality, faith and family history can shape what masculinity has meant in your life.
For some Black men and men of colour, there can be additional pressure to manage how anger, confidence or authority will be interpreted by others.
At work or in public, you may monitor your body, tone and emotional expression in ways that other people do not notice. At home, removing that armour may not happen automatically.
Family and cultural expectations may also shape how you understand provision, loyalty and emotional restraint. Questioning these roles can feel like questioning the people and communities that formed you.
As a mixed Black male therapist, I may share some reference points with you, but I will not assume that our experiences are the same. Similarity and difference can both be thought about.
You do not need to perform openness
You may enter therapy wondering what I will think of you. Perhaps there are parts of your life that feel difficult to say aloud, including anger, shame, fear, resentment, sexual experiences or decisions you regret.
You might also feel pressure to use the session correctly, arrive with something important enough to discuss or make visible progress each week.
There may be sessions where you are unsure what to say. Silence can protect you from feeling exposed, or reflect that words have not yet formed.
I will not expect you to perform openness. We can notice what makes speaking easier, what brings the urge to retreat and what you imagine may happen if I see more of what you are carrying.
Therapy is not a moral test. We can take responsibility and harmful behaviour seriously without reducing you to your worst decision.
The work happens together rather than through being analysed from a distance.
How I work with men
I work relationally and psychodynamically. We can begin with what is happening now and gradually think about the relationships, expectations and experiences that shaped how you manage closeness, conflict, shame and need.
I may notice when you move quickly towards solving a problem, dismiss something painful or assume that I am disappointed in you.
The aim is not to take away your strength, ambition or independence. It is to make sure they are not the only ways you are allowed to cope.
You do not need to become a different type of man. Therapy can help you feel less controlled by roles that no longer leave enough space for who you are.
Beginning individual therapy
The first consultation is a meeting, not a commitment to ongoing therapy. It gives you space to say more about what has brought you here and experience how I work.
- First consultation
- 50 minutes, £50
- Ongoing sessions
- 50 minutes, £80
- Frequency
- Usually weekly, at the same time each week
- Location
- Online, Enfield Town, Enfield Chase or Winchmore Hill
- Length of therapy
- Agreed together and reviewed as the work develops
You do not need to tell your whole story in the first message. A few words about what has become difficult to keep carrying alone are enough.
Frequently asked questions
What if I am not used to talking about feelings?
That is a common place to begin. You do not need emotional language before coming to therapy. We can start with what has been happening, the situations that feel difficult or the changes other people have noticed.
Is therapy practical or is it mainly talking?
Therapy involves talking, but it does not have to be vague or without direction. We can identify what you want to work on, understand the pattern around it and notice what begins to change. Unlike coaching, therapy also gives space to experiences and relationships that may not respond to a quick strategy.
Can therapy help with anger?
Yes. We can think about what happens before anger appears, what it protects and how it affects your relationships. Aggression, intimidation and harmful behaviour still need to be taken seriously.
Can I discuss sex, intimacy or erectile difficulties?
Yes. These experiences can be discussed carefully and without judgement. Depending on the difficulty, medical or specialist psychosexual support may also be appropriate.
What if my partner is the person who wants me to come?
You may begin therapy with doubts or because somebody close to you is concerned. The work would still need to become a space where your own experience and reasons for attending can be explored.
We can begin with what is no longer working
You do not need to know how to open up. A few words about what has become difficult to keep carrying alone are enough.
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